Day 1: Social Anxiety

Yesterday I made a last minute plans to go to a networking event but when I got to the place, I made excuses not to go inside, I made the excuse that it was a bad venue and I left.

In reality, I chickened out. I should've just gone in and made some new friends but I did not.

I gave into my fears, I gave into my ego.

I let my mind convince me that I was better off just leaving.

Even though I drove all the way out there.

And I hadn't done much throughout the day.

Social anxiety.

I'm going to from now on make more of an effort to get someone to go with me, this way I am not only guaranteed to attend the event but I'm also spending quality time with one of my contacts, this requires some planning ahead, so from now on I'm going to schedule events 24 hours in advance and then immediately try and find someone to go with.

It's a great solution.

Something to keep in mind about this too though is that I don't usually chicken out with networking events because most have a wide open venue but this one was cramped and awkward and it was bad enough for me to make the excuse to just leave which is not okay but it was the choice I made and quite frankly, I don't think I would ever go back to that particular event unless I had someone to go with, simply because of the awful choice of venue.

Something that was awkward was when I initially decided to go in to check it out, I sat down by myself and then the core group hosts came in behind me and sat down right in front of me, I realized this and got up and left. Instead of just acknowledging them and sitting with them. I went into self-judgment of me sitting alone, me being there by myself and them being a party of around 5. I was thinking I wished I was not alone, I wish I had brought someone with me and to meet there.

I did notice in the attendee list that my friend Pam was supposed to attend but I didn't see her.

I guess I could've texted her and asked if she was on the way...

I also realize that I knew the host, Simon. He attended one of my very first events that I hosted in Miami Beach years ago, I hadn't seen him since, he never texted me back nor attend another one of my events.

I was also annoyed that the host arrived late, I got there just before six o'clock and they go there about 6:15.

People don't take anything seriously.

Living hedonistic lives.

Nothing wrong with hedonism but when that is your entire life, it's problematic, there must be balance of hedonism and stoicism.

Also, why does hedonism have to be defined as promiscuity, excessive alcohol drinking, doing drugs, etc.?

These things can take control of you very easily, why take the risk?

Because the reward is seemingly very exquisite. It's like the siren that tricks you with it's beauty but in reality it is anything but beautiful.

Best just to avoid unless you have insane self-discipline which most people do not.

I say all this because I noticed Simon immediately upon sitting down ordered himself a drink, seemed like he drove to the spot as well and I overheard one of the girls saying she attended a Diddy party in the past.

So many red flags.

I just had to leave.

So I did.

Let's re-define hedonism as playing with our children, creating new things, sober socializing, etc and also introduce some stoicism into our lives for balance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make all these judgments toward these people whom for the most part I do not even know.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pre-judge others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge instead of meet.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put on more stress onto my wife for driving all the way out there and not even attending the event.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge Simon.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am superior to those people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I'm superior to people that drink alcohol.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I'm superior to people that define their hedonism as promiscuity, excessive alcohol drinking, doing drugs, etc.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I'm superior to people that do not balance their hedonism with stoicism.

I realize that If I am in any way judging others, I am in some way judging myself and I may not see where it just may not be obvious where I am judging myself or I may just not be being self-honest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give them a chance and myself a chance to equalize to my fellow human in the act of meeting and shaking hands and getting to know each of them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my mind dictate my actions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify not attending the event when I could've easily just attended.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for what I wear which is a formal dresswear with a tie as being tacky or overdressed instead of embracing the symbol of which it represents which is responsibility but because others around me view responsibility as tacky, I get self-conscious about it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to choose fear instead of choosing life.

When and as I see myself choosing fear, I stop and breathe and choose life.

I commit myself to plan ahead of events and try and find someone to go with so as to avoid this type of thing happening altogether and also hitting two birds with one stone in connecting with one of my contacts as well.

I commit myself to if I am unable to find someone to go with me, to simply breath and choose life and walk through my fear.

I commit myself to if I feel fear in these moments to get creative, stop thinking and become aware of me as life as equality and oneness as breath and create, this is what life is all about, being creative and fruitful.